PARENTING

 

How and why to discipline children without hitting them?

 

Suppose your neighbour comes and complains, “Your child with some other children has damaged my son’s bicycle and their behaviour is completely unacceptable.”
How will you respond to the situation?
There are chances you may either protect your child, may refuse to believe that your child could have done such a thing, may say that the other children instigated him to do such a thing, or may be annoyed with your child or may lose your temper and hit the child.
Protecting your child for wrong reasons can have negative consequences for both you and your child. If you try to shield them for every potential risk or difficulty, you may inadvertently prevent them from learning important life skills and developing resilience. If you hit the child, he will normalise hitting and start believing that he has the right to hit someone if they do not obey him or do something wrong.
You all must have seen children throwing tantrums at public places – hurling themselves on the floor and screaming. Just because their demands are not fulfilled, the children start misbehaving at public places. It’s a very common sight. You all must have witnessed this in the shopping malls or departmental stores or toy shops. If you scold them, they shout at their top voices. Some parents pinch their child or scare them or beat them to pacify the child. Is this the solution?
No….A big no.
Hitting the child or scolding the child is not the solution Not even yelling at the child. These can’t be the ways to discipline or teach the child. Young innocent kids don’t deserve beatings. It is the parents’ fault for their child’s improper and indecent behaviour. There can be other genuine reasons because of which a child behaves in a certain way.
Here are a few common reasons for the undisciplined behaviour of the children:
·        Some children are attention seeking. They may misbehave to seek attention of their parents or caregivers
·        Children often lack the emotional vocabulary to express their feelings effectively. Indecent behaviour can be their way of expressing their frustration, anger, sorrow or other emotions which they may not be able to articulate properly
·        Children are very good at imitating. They learn how to behave by watching others. Whether they see their friends or classmates at school misbehave or they copy something they have seen on tv or social media
·        When you have established clear rules and boundaries for them, they often want to see your seriousness. They test limits just to find out what the consequences will be when they break the rules
·        Sometimes there are communication issues such as language disorders or verbalising their feelings. When they are not able to express themselves properly, that frustration leads to indecent behaviour
·        Most of the times kids are not good at passing on what they need. As a result, they misbehave to show their unmet needs
·        Some children suffer from behaviour problems like ADHD, anxiety or depression. Having mental problems can also result in behaviour problems
How should you handle the situation?
Making an undisciplined and reluctant child listen to his parents is a big task for parents. Try to build  a good rapport with your children so that they listen to you. Here are some positive and constructive ways to handle your child:
·        First and foremost, explain your child why the behaviour was wrong
·        Then give them a warning and tell them next time if it happens, they will have to face the consequences
·        Every child has something near and dear to them. If your warnings have fallen on deaf ears, take that thing away for a stated time frame and let your child once again learn that some actions have consequences
·        Set realistic expectations. You can’t expect your three-year-old child to sit quietly in the seat of a shopping cart in a departmental store or a teenager acting according to you
·        Spend real, meaningful, heart-to-heart time with your child. Many times, bad behaviour are cries for attention – you can call it negative attention.
·        Make sure you give the child the positive alternatives to his negative behaviour. Children respond in a better way to positive commands
·        Use a calm but firm voice. Your angry voice can scare the child
·        Talk to them the way you want them to talk to you
·        Appreciate their small achievements, but at times of failures, stand with them so that they build a strong bond of trust with you
·        Every single issue doesn’t need to be a battle. Sometimes it’s best to ignore and let your child win
·        Let them experience failure and learn from their mistakes. Natural consequences of their actions can be a powerful learning experience
·        Converse with them without any expectations. Love exists where there are no expectations
·        Have casual talks and listen to them. Casual talks bring you together
·        Try to give them undivided attention. I mean quality time here
It gets really tiring to have to come up with new rewards, new punishments because their effectiveness wears off. Constant correcting corrodes the parent child relationship. Patience, repetition, empathy and validation are what they need. It takes practice to learn all the human skills required to survive in this world. Don’t punish or timeout their emotional outbursts or send them to their rooms. It will only teach them to hide their feelings and shut you out when they are teens.
The main problem regarding discipline is with teenagers as they struggle for freedom. They think they are grown-ups and are not ready to tolerate the involvement of their parents. The current generation of teenagers is not in the habit of answering to ‘what?’, ‘where?’, ‘when?’ and ‘why?’. So, it’s better to leave them if they show resistance. Let them learn from their mistakes as mistakes are the greatest teachers.
When the bond with the person you are married to, or work with or are friends with is strong, where there is mutual respect, give and take, empathy and validation, open communication, being seen for who they are, no judgement or strings attached etc, naturally the person on the other side is giving, respectful, empathic, caring etc. Kids are no different. When you look at it from their end, the fact that we have authority over them doesn’t mean they automatically feel empathic or caring or want to give back. It doesn’t work that way. We need to earn their trust and love.
Discipline rarely has a one-size fits all approach. No matter what you choose to do, you have to be consistent and follow through. Sometimes an apology will suffice. Other times groundings are more appropriate. And then there are times when it’s a combination of things. As a parent, you most likely know your child better than anyone else. Use that insight to stop potential problems before they even occur.

My experience as a mother and as a teacher has shown me that punishment and rewards do not work to discipline children. It requires different parenting skills and strategies for different situations. A nurturing and loving environment is crucial for a child’s healthy emotional and psychological development.